High Cholesterol in Your 30s? Yeah… That’s a Thing Now
I did one of those home health tests. You know the vibe. Tiny box. Finger prick. A few drops of blood on my kitchen counter like I’m auditioning for a very underfunded medical series….’Dr. McFaggot reporting for duty’.
I sealed it. Sent it off. Immediately forgot about it because denial is a lifestyle.
Then the email came in: ‘Your cholesterol is high’.
Excuse me? At 38…? I read it again….and again. Just to see if it would correct itself out of respect. It didn’t. It stayed there. Judging me. Calm. Clinical. Unbothered.
Meanwhile I’m standing there thinking I’m doing pretty okay. I drink water. I have a routine. I’m not out here auditioning for My 600 Pound Life with a snack sponsorship, but apparently my arteries disagree.
Fucking rude.
The Quiet Scam That Is High Cholesterol
Here’s the annoying part. You don’t feel a thing.
No warning…no dramatic moment. No internal voice whispering maybe slow down on the fried crap. Nothing. Just silence while your body hoards fat like it’s preparing for a long, emotionally unstable winter.
There’s good cholesterol and bad cholesterol. The bad one clogs things up. Think greasy pipes…buildup. Think your insides quietly struggling while you’re out here living your best life.
Not sexy. Very real.
The Moment I Had to Stop Lying to Myself
I had to look at what I actually eat.
Not the version I tell people. Not the “I eat pretty balanced” performance. The real version. The skipped lunches that magically turn into extra fries later because I’m “starving.” The extra cheese croissant because dinner was “light,” which is a lie I tell myself with confidence. The full pack of chips just because it exists and I have zero self control around salt. No structure. Just vibes and excuses.
Turns out my diet has a personality. And it needs supervision.
The Foods That Are Casually Ruining You
Processed meats
Cold cuts. Bacon. Sausages. Easy. Delicious. Convenient.
Also packed with saturated fats and salt, working overtime to mess you up while you think you’re just having a quick lunch.
Fried food
Fries. Snacks. Anything that leaves your fingers shiny and your dignity slightly questionable.
You call it comfort. Your body calls it absolute nonsense.
Cheese
This one hurts on a spiritual level.
I love cheese. Deeply. Emotionally. Unconditionally.
But too much of it raises the bad cholesterol, so now I’m out here rationing it like I’ve lost custody of my own happiness.
Ultra-processed snacks
Chips. Cookies. That packet that somehow disappears in one sitting.
They mess with everything. Your cholesterol, your energy, your waistline. Yes, your ass is part of the story.
Sugary drinks
Soft drinks. Sweet coffees. Juice pretending to be healthy.
Sugar turns into fat. Fat messes with your cholesterol.
That one innocent drink here and there? It stacks up faster than your regrets.
What I Have To Eat Now, Some Against My Will
Oats
I hate it. Truly.
But it works. It lowers bad cholesterol. So now I sit there in the morning chewing sadness and pretending I’ve evolved as a person.
Fatty fish
Salmon. Mackerel. Sardines.
Full of omega 3. Good for your heart. Makes you feel like you have your life together, which is a bold illusion but I’ll take it.
Nuts
Almonds. Walnuts.
Healthy fats. Easy snack.
Also dangerous because a handful turns into half the bag and suddenly you’re spiraling.
Olive oil
I swapped butter.
Same cooking moment. Less damage. I feel like an adult, which is unsettling.
Vegetables
Leafy greens. Broccoli. Avocado.
Fiber. Nutrients. Actual benefits.
I eat them. I complain internally. Balance.
Beans and lentils
Cheap. Filling. Good for cholesterol.
Yes, they make you gassy. That’s between you and whoever is unlucky enough to be nearby.
The Part That Stings a Little
You can look good and still be unhealthy. The mirror says fit, but your insides are running a completely different story.
You can’t out-train a bad diet. I tried to mentally fight that. Lost immediately.
At this age, your body wants consistency. Not perfection. Just some basic respect. Which honestly feels fair, even if I hate that it’s true.
What Actually Helps, Unfortunately
Nothing dramatic. Nothing sexy. Just boring consistency.
Eat more fiber. Swap bad fats for better ones. Cut back on processed food. Move your body. Drink water like you have your life together.
It’s not glamorous. But neither is sitting in a doctor’s office explaining how cheese and fries ruined you.
So here we are. Trying, adjusting and still slightly bitter.
Tell me honestly Shitizen, are you actually eating like an adult, or are you still out here pretending your body won’t notice?
Bye fatty turd,
